Spontaneity Is Calling… Should I Let It Go to Voicemail?

I remember sitting on my front porch a couple of of weeks ago, thinking about how nobody just “stops by” anymore. My childhood home’s screen door swung open to reveal unexpected visitors quite regularly. That memory feels like a relic from a forgotten era. The casual “Hey, you around?” phone calls are now replaced by calendar invites. Showing up unannounced at a friend’s house is almost taboo.

This shift didn’t happen overnight. I’ve watched it evolve over the years, as our social norms quietly transformed. What we once saw as friendly is now intrusive and rude. We’ve created a complex dance of digital scheduling. Every interaction must be planned and confirmed. Sometimes, it must be rescheduled multiple times before it happens.

The rules of social engagement have fundamentally changed. I noticed it first in my reaction to unexpected phone calls. A momentary panic when my phone actually rings instead of buzzing with a text. My friends and I joke about it: “Who calls anymore?” But that joke holds a deeper truth. It shows how we’ve changed the rules of social interaction.

Technology has given us unprecedented control over our social lives. We can screen calls and respond when convenient. It creates an illusion of constant connectivity, but keeps everyone distant. Our phones are both a bridge and a barrier. They connect us but also buffer us from true spontaneity.

The cost of this shift isn’t immediately obvious, but I’ve started to see its effects in myself and others. Social anxiety seems to be on the rise. We may have lost the natural practice of handling unexpected social situations. When every interaction is planned, unplanned ones become increasingly daunting. It’s a skill that atrophies without regular use, like a muscle we’ve stopped exercising.

Research supports this observation. A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that “couples who engage in spontaneous activities report higher satisfaction and intimacy in their relationships.” This suggests that the decline in spontaneity may be impacting not just individual well-being, but also the quality of our relationships.

I’ve noticed this in younger colleagues who’ve grown up in this new normal. The thought of making an impromptu phone call can trigger genuine anxiety. They’ve mastered the art of crafting perfect texts but struggle with the unpredictability of real-time conversation. This isn’t a criticism — it’s a reflection of how thoroughly our social environment has changed.

The psychology behind this shift fascinates me and concerns me. We crave control over our social interactions, partially because our lives feel increasingly chaotic. Planning provides a sense of order, a way to manage our limited time and emotional energy. The ability to schedule and filter our social connections offers a comforting illusion of control in an unpredictable world.

Yet something valuable has been lost in this transition. Spontaneous interactions bring a kind of joy that scheduled meetings rarely capture. Those unexpected talks with neighbors and chance encounters with friends often create our most memorable moments. They force us to be present in a way that planned interactions sometimes don’t.

A recent study in Urban Design International highlights this issue. It states, “Public space serves as opportunities for everyday engagement including cultural activities and social interactions. The co-presence of diverse groups and activities is seen as an important building block of social cohesion”. This research emphasizes the critical role that spontaneous interactions in public spaces play in fostering community bonds.

I’ve started making small efforts to reclaim some spontaneity in my social life. It began with simple changes. I called instead of texting sometimes. I started to keep my weekend afternoons free for possible impromptu plans. I randomly would call a friend and suggest last-minute lunch or coffee meeting. The results have surprised me. While this shift initially threw off some friends, many welcomed it as a return to a more natural way of connecting.

The challenge of course lies in finding balance. Our current social patterns evolved for valid reasons — we’re busy, our time is limited, and coordination is often necessary. The solution isn’t to completely abandon planning but to create space for spontaneity within our modern lives. This might mean designating certain times as “spontaneity windows” or gradually rebuilding our comfort with unplanned interactions like I started trying to do.

We must create spaces that support both planned and spontaneous interactions. This might mean creating more welcoming public spaces. It could mean encouraging neighborhood gathering spots. Or, it could mean being more open to unplanned social encounters. Technology could even help — perhaps by creating tools that facilitate spontaneous gatherings rather than just scheduled ones.

I think the art of spontaneous social interaction isn’t lost — it’s just been temporarily misplaced. We can relearn it, adapt it to our reality, and maybe create a new blend of the best of both worlds. The key lies in recognizing that while planning has its place, some of life’s richest moments come from embracing the unexpected.

For now, I’m working on becoming more comfortable with uncertainty in my social life. I’m learning to leave some gaps in my calendar. I want to answer unexpected calls and welcome surprise visitors. It’s not always easy. But, I’ve found that spontaneity often brings the most authentic connections and surprises.

As philosopher Zachary Irving points out, “There are reasons that your brain evolved to have time to spend in spontaneous thought, and it’s because it counteracts this problem of getting stuck in a loop. If you reduce spontaneity, you risk having an overly calcified perspective”. This insight reminds us of the cognitive benefits of embracing unpredictability in our social lives.

Maybe you’ll join me in this small rebellion against our over-scheduled lives. Start small. Make that unexpected call. Drop by a friend’s house. Leave some room in your life for unplanned encounters. You might find, as I have, that there’s still magic in those unexpected moments of human connection and spontaneity.