The Disruption of Human Development
( The following is an excerpt from my book, Our Digital Soul, Collective Anxiety, Media Trauma, and a Path Toward Recovery)
Using Erik Erickson’s Stages of Development as an outline, let’s explore some ways the digital world can harm or benefit a child or adult, depending on their phase of development.
BIRTH-2 YEARS OLD Essential Question: “Can I trust the world?”
Picture an 8-month-old with well-educated, upper-middle-class parents who have a very busy life. Like most parents, they are always looking for ways to keep their baby happy during the day and settle enough in his crib to let him sleep through the night. Their solution is to set up two iPads on either side. If he wakes up crying, he will see delightful, stimulating images and hear all sorts of sounds. This distracts him from whatever it was that made him cry. Every parent knows what it feels like not to be able to make their child stop crying. This happens mostly in the first year, but, for the most part, children cry to communicate a need: hunger, a diaper change, teething or needing to be held.
Children in this age range are learning trust versus mistrust. They look to their caregiver to meet their needs. They learn about the world by how their cries are met. If a child in this age range is given an iPad every time they cry, the technology becomes their pacifier and primary attachment figure. Does it meet their needs? Does it see them and give them what they really need? If it doesn’t, this child will come to believe they can’t trust the world.
Tech.ed.gov reports that, “Unstructured playtime is particularly important for infants and toddlers because they learn more quickly through interactions with the real world than they do through media use and, at such a young age, they have limited periods of awake time. At this age, children require hands-on exploration and social interaction with trusted caregivers to develop their cognitive, language, motor, and social-emotional skills.”123
The Office of Educational Technology recommends the following:
“For children under the age of 2, technology use in early learning settings is discouraged. With families, technology can be used in active ways that promote relationship development, such as using video chatting software to talk to relatives, friends, and families they can’t see on a regular basis. Parents interested in using media with their children can start around 18 months with high-quality content, but should always co-view content and use technology with their children.”
Children in this age range learn autonomy versus shame and doubt. They are looking for affirmation, attention, and acknowledgment. Parents will hear a lot of “Watch me!” and “Daddy, look!”
Heidi Murkoff, author of the What to Expect When… book series, wrote on the pros and cons of kids and iPads. “Your child can’t feel an app the way she can feel her stuffed animal or her dress-up clothes. She can’t smell an app the way she can smell the cookies you bake together. She can’t hold and manipulate an app the way she can hold and stack blocks or Legos®. She can’t run with an app the way she can romp in the fresh air, and she can’t connect with an app the way she can when she hugs you. All of these real-world activities offer rich opportunities for your toddler to use her body and experience her environment and human relationships. So while you don’t need to feel guilty about letting her use your iPad in moderation, make sure it’s just one of many activities she gets to learn from, explore and enjoy.”124
During this stage, parents tend to utilize technology as a babysitter rather than a pacifier. Parenting toddlers is hard, and it’s natural for your child’s constant chatter and tantrums to annoy you. However, these noisy times are when they are trying to tell you about themselves. If you respond by distracting them with technology, you’re communicating “No, it isn’t OK to be you.”
5–9 YEARS OLD Essential Question: “Is it OK for me to do, move, and act?”
Children in this age range learn initiative versus guilt. Exposure to media can dramatically affect their motivation to do things, how they gauge approval, where they look for self-worth and how they determine if their participation has value.
During this stage, kids realize they’re capable of creating, and the hope is they do so because it delights them. They need to learn how to do, make, act and be fulfilled by what they do. Exposure to social media shifts that motivation to doing, moving, and acting for others to see. They become fulfilled by someone seeing what they did and are unable to be gratified in their work without the approval of others.
This group is the sweet spot for technology; they are innocent enough to be fascinated by the possibilities technology provides, eager to explore and see it as an outlet for their creativity. This innocent enchantment and genuine interest in technology can give parents the false perception that things will always be OK.
But they won’t remain in this phase. The more attached they get to the digital space in this time, the faster it can turn on them when they reach the next stage of development.
Children need to have as many real resources available as much of the day as possible. If things become difficult in their digital spaces, they have another place to turn.
9–12 YEARS OLD Essential Question: “Can I make it in the world?”
Children in this range compare how they measure up to the world around them. They are aware of what others are doing and who is being celebrated. They notice differences and weigh those against what they bring to the table.
This is when a lot of kids are given their own devices and allowed to have their own social media accounts. When kids are exposed to social media during this phase, they are affected by the highlight reel they see from peers and can develop an inferiority complex. Consider what it means for kids, long-term, when they live in a digital world they think is the real world and can never measure up.
13–19 YEARS OLD Essential Question: “Who am I? Who can I be?”
Teenagers wrestle with their identity versus role confusion. They ask what they’re going to do that matters and what to do to be defined as a success. The visual nature of social media gives a very narrow definition of what is beautiful, what is smart, and what a winner looks like. It can cause them to try to be someone they can’t be, which can cause anxiety and depression.
Teenagers don’t have much choice whether or not to be on social media. Depending on where they live or go to school, in order to function, it doesn’t seem to be a choice for many. Teenagers are trying to build a social identity in a world that is going to abuse them and tell them their identity isn’t enough. Pay attention, even if they get off of social media, they need help to compensate for what happened and what they lost in that virtual connection.
Let’s review the definitions of media trauma, but look at them through the lens of parenting and/or childhood development:
1. A traumatic experience that happened through media. Kids are one click away from a vicarious or direct trauma. Social media has become an essential connecting point for most kids, and its use can be devastating.
2. An addiction to personal media that impairs their relationships, their work, and their ability to play. When they are on the phone, they cannot see, feel or hear what is going on around them. They dissociate from their bodies when they are on our screens. They cannot feel physical sensations in their body.
By providing your kids with a screen as a pacifier, they are learning to ignore their physical sensations. This addiction causes them to lose tolerance for feelings, because they no longer know how to ride the waves of boredom, anger, impatience, etc. This will affect how they handle conflicts in relationships, their ability to focus and be productive at work, and their ability to play outside of being entertained. Trauma is when this addiction keeps them from being able to live, grow and thrive the way they were made to.
3. Neglect of self or others because of a misuse of personal media. Parents and caregivers need to do their own work before worrying about their teenagers. How are you using media? How are you using your devices? Assess what are your real needs. Model the behavior you want to see from your kids.
4. An interruption of human development because of a misuse of personal media. Children may not get an opportunity to master a phase of development because technology entered at an incorrect time or was misused. For example, they did not learn how to self-soothe or develop relationships. You cannot look at other families’ technology use and think it is healthy because it is the norm.
5. Compromised physical, mental, or emotional wellness as a result of screen requirements from school or work. When forced to dissociate from itself (sit in one place, not use all your senses, not getting breaks, etc.), the body will experience extended screen use as trauma. Screen fatigue is real. Don’t take breaks from one screen to get on another.
There are many positives to social media, but those payoffs can keep us from acknowledging the harms. Most children will likely have to enter into relationships with social media, regardless of whether they or you want them to. When a child is on social media, you have to engage more fully as a parent. You have to be by their side, in their corner, and know they are going to handle difficult things. Parents have to be open and ready to walk their kids through it and help them process.
A child’s social media use can be in partnership with a parent. Feel free to monitor their activity online. Pay attention. Lean in when something seems off. Don’t project your experiences onto your teenagers. What they’re dealing with today is unlike anything older generations imagine and is unlike our experiences during developmental years. Having a safe space and a shame-free zone to discuss things is essential to help them navigate these spaces.
Lean in with the intention to respond, not just hear. Choose to respond in a helpful way that promotes teamwork rather than responding out of alarm. Worse, you could refuse to respond at all. You could miss the invitation into a child’s world. Don’t. You’re in this together, walk alongside them. Set boundaries with them. A parent is the most important person in a child’s life, even when you feel like it doesn’t matter — even when it feels like they don’t want you around, or that you embarrass them.
Don’t be afraid to be a parent. Remember, a child does not have a right to a phone or social media. Do not be afraid to take those things away when behavior necessitates, or you feel you introduced it too early. Taking away a child’s devices is not a consequence. In fact, a break might feel like a relief.
It’s not an accident to parent through this time in history. Don’t be afraid to take a leadership role in a child’s life — even when it’s counter-cultural.
Many studies have been done on the impact of screens on children and adolescents. In a literature review of several studies, these were the findings: “Components crucial for psychophysiological resilience are a none-wandering mind (typical of ADHD-related behavior), good social coping and attachment, and good physical health. Excessive digital media use by children and adolescents appears as a major factor which may hamper the formation of sound psychophysiological resilience.”125
ADULTS
We imagine the young people in these studies as gamers, early adopters, and the ones doing the silly dances on TikTok®. True, but it is also true that everyone is online now. Grandmothers are on iPhones, boomers are on iPads and gen xers are checking Facebook® hourly. Few are truly disconnected from the digital world.
On the previous pages, we discussed the impact on childhood development, but we now turn to the effects on adults. Since we are learning more and more about the plasticity of the human brain, even into older adulthood, it is only logical to assume our connectedness as adults can play positive and negative roles too. Let’s continue Eric Erickson’s stages of development into adulthood and how digital media can influence us through these years.
19–40 YEARS OLD Essential Question: “Can I love?”
This is the stage where you are learning intimacy versus isolation. Major questions are: Will I be loved or will I be alone? This stage is ripe for and integrates deeply with social media and dating apps. The normal hunger for connection and intimacy is what makes Facebook® membership currently sit at almost 3 billion people. Tinder (a dating app) has 6.5 million paid members. There are millions on niche social media sites and special interests dating apps. The point is that 19–40 year-olds have no shortage of ways to connect online; however, a 19-year-old uses personal media much differently than a 40-year-old. We will break this down into generations, by the types of media introduced to each.
GEN Z (1997–2012)
According to a study on Gen Z and technology from The Center for Generational Kinetics, 42 percent of Gen Z — more than any other generation — said social media affects how other people see you. The same percentage of Gen Z also said social media has a direct impact on how they feel about themselves.
“This new generation [Gen Z] is becoming the digital shepherd of a new era in technology adoption and reliance. Their acceptance and usage of technology is likely to be more similar to that of peers in distant countries than grandparents in their own country,” said Jason Dorsey, co-founder and chief strategy officer of the center.126
How does media impact this phase of development? The belief that it affects how people see one another adds another challenge to this phase. The question “Will I be loved or will I be alone?” has implications in the virtual world and in reality.
What does it mean to be loved on social media? What do you have to do or who do you have to be to be loved on social media? How is that the same or different from who you are and what you do to be loved in real life? Being loved on social media can translate into a legitimate career and real relationships. It can also mean being alone — a million followers and no real friends.
In 2018, The Guardian published an article titled, “The YouTube® stars heading for burnout: ‘The most fun job imaginable became deeply bleak’.
“For one month, [YouTuber, Matt Lees] worked 20-hour days, dividing his time between the TV script work and, ever conscious that missing a day’s upload could cause his videos to tumble down the search rankings, his YouTube channel. At the end of the month he was pale, gaunt and tired in a way that, he recalls, seemed ‘impervious to rest.’ His work, he noticed, had become increasingly rushed and harsh in tone. Yet the angry, provocative quality of his videos seemed only to be making them more popular.
“Divisive content is the king of online media today, and YouTube heavily boosts anything that riles people up,” he says. “It’s one of the most toxic things: the point at which you’re breaking down is the point at which the algorithm loves you the most.”127
MILLENNIALS (1981–1996)
“Millennials’ social behaviors are less focused on sharing personal information and more purpose and entertainment-driven. Keeping track of news and current affairs and finding funny or entertaining content are their top reasons for logging in.”128 These digital natives are the most likely to merge their virtual and real lives. The question of “Will I be loved or will I be alone?” is expressed in their digital habits. Staying current on cultural events and trends is a way to ensure they are not alone and able to connect to their community.
They are also intentional about time spent online and aware of the effects social media can have on their anxiety. They are the group most likely to monitor their time on social media. Their real life relationships are integrated into their virtual relationships. What they see on Instagram is reflective of their reality, and their reality is often reflective of what is on social media.
40–60 YEARS OLD Essential Question: “Can I Make My Life Count?”
GEN X (1965–1980)
During this stage, the major life events are parenthood and work. Much of what people seek during this stage is realized through family and parenthood. These factors affect general life satisfaction and their sense of purpose in the world. Online engagement is about life-enhancement and self-contribution: parenting websites, career development (LinkedIn®), self-development content, financial investment information, political news and information, health and fitness content and apps. This stage is also one of bigger community connections.
Being part of a tribe gives a form of self-validation to the purpose being sought after. When asking, “Does my life count,” it is important to have familiar voices confirm this. Having healthy places for others to mirror healthy versions of ourselves can be extremely beneficial to our mental well-being and development. Conversely, unhealthy versions can look like echo chambers. Places that confirm our biases and opinions, not challenge with different perspectives and experiences, can be very detrimental to a person’s growth and healthy evolution.
- “77% of people ages 30–49 use Facebook®.
- 51% of people ages 50–65 use Facebook®.
- 67% of people ages 36–45 use YouTube®.
- 66% of people ages 46–55 use YouTube®.
- 58% of people that are 56+ years old use YouTube®.”129
65 YEARS+ Essential Question: “Is it OK to Have Been Me? BABY BOOMERS (1955–1964)
In this stage, we are coming to accept we are in the final stage of life. This involves reflecting on life in a positive or negative manner. “What did I achieve?” and “What did I accumulate?” become questions for regular thought process and discussion. Many times there’s also a need to validate the world view or tribe we have lived in all our lives. This gives the validation we desire for the lives we have lived.
Think of the granddad sitting on the front porch talking about the good ole’ days. This need for validation and long-time, deeply held beliefs can be a driver of social media engagement consistent with and critical against anything that does not line up with them. The positive side of this stage and social media is their ability to connect with and stay up to date with their family.
According to Pew research, 50 percent of the US population age 65+ say they have used Facebook®.130 This demographic of Facebook® users have been targets for misinformation. On average, they share nearly seven times as many articles from fake news domains as the youngest age group.131
Citations:
123. Office of Educational Technology. (2016). Guiding Princi ples for Use of Technology with Early Learners. Office of Educational Technology. https://tech.ed.gov/earlylearning/ principles/
124. Heidi Murkoff. (2016, September 20). Kids and iPads: The Pros and Cons. What to Expect; WhattoExpect. https:// www.whattoexpect.com/toddler/ask-heidi/kids-and-ipads- the-pros-and-cons
125. Lissak, Gadi. 2018. “Adverse Physiological and Psychologi cal Effects of Screen Time on Children and Adolescents: Lit erature Review and Case Study.” Environmental Research 164 (July): 149–57. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.en vres.2018.01.015.
126. Seymour, E. (2019, August 25). Gen Z: Born to Be Digital. VOA. https://www.voanews.com/a/student-union_gen-z- born-be-digital/6174519.html
127. Parkin, S. (2018, September 25). The YouTube stars head ing for burnout: “The most fun job imaginable be came deeply bleak.” The Guardian; The Guardian. https:// www.theguardian.com/technology/2018/sep/08/youtube- stars-burnout-fun-bleak-stressed
128. Vogels, E. A. (2019, September 9). Millennials Stand Out for Their Technology Use, but Older Generations Also Embrace Digital Life. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/09/09/us-gen erations-technology-use/
129. Khoros. (2021). The 2021 Social Media Demographics Guide. Khoros. https://khoros.com/resources/so cial-media-demographics-guide
130. Pew Research Center. (2021, April 7). Social Media Fact Sheet. Pew Research Center: Internet, Science & Tech. https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/fact-sheet/ social-media/
131. Guess, A., Nagler, J., & Tucker, J. (2019). Less than you think: Prevalence and predictors of fake news dissemination on Facebook®. Science Advances, 5(1), 1–8. https://doi.org/10.1126/sciadv.aau4586
